Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
