I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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