WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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