we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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