im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
