the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
