I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
