If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
