well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
