he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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