guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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