chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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