I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
