Swine flu is the new snow day.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
