I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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