Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
