Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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