Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
