Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
