I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize