Four minutes until I can fart!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
