Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
