Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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