did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
