Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
