You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
