You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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