The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize