What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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