how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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