Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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