I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
