Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
