We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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