He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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