Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
