Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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