Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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