today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
