An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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