I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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