I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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