That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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