I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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