Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
