cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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