Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
