I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
