I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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