I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
