ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
