Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
