If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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