it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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