dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
