I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
