420 ftw
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
