I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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